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FAQs:

What is Grief?

Grief is a natural response to loss. It’s the emotional suffering you feel when something or someone you love is taken away. Often, the pain of loss can feel overwhelming. You may experience all kinds of difficult and unexpected emotions, from shock or anger to disbelief, guilt, and profound sadness. The pain of grief can also disrupt your physical health, making it difficult to sleep, eat, or even think straight. These are normal reactions to loss and the more significant the loss, the more intense your grief will be.

Coping with the loss of someone or something you love is one of life’s biggest challenges. You may associate grieving with the death of a loved one which is often the cause of the most intense type of grief but any loss can cause grief, including:

- Divorce or relationship breakup

- Loss of health

- Losing a job

- Loss of financial stability

- A miscarriage

- Retirement

- Death of a pet

- Loss of a cherished dream

- A loved one's serious illness

- Loss of a friendship

- Loss of safety after a trauma

- Selling the family home

How Long Does Grief Last?

Grief is different for every person and for every loss. The manner of the death and your personal circumstances can affect how long you experience grief. If you are grieving now, it may be difficult to imagine an end to the pain you are feeling, but it will come. Overall, acute grief should pass in 12 months for adults and 6 months for children. If it does not, you may be experiencing prolonged grief disorder and should seek help from a professional.

What Type of Therapy is Good for Grief?

Cognitive behavioral therapy is used by many therapists to explore your thoughts of loss and the grief that comes with them.  This is certainly not the only therapy that is helpful for grief but has been used to help countless people through unthinkable circumstances.  Through CBT, your therapist can give you the space and tools necessary to grieve and heal in healthy ways.  A good therapist will help you identify unhelpful thoughts and gain an understanding of how these thoughts are impacting your moods and behaviors.  Through the use of Cognitive Behavioral therapy, or CBT, they will use strategies such as targeting behaviors, reframing, and identifying distorted thoughts.

Why is Grief the Most Powerful Emotion?

Grief is even more powerful, subtle, and complex. This is why it is so overwhelming. It is an amalgam of all our most powerful feelings in a distressing roiling cauldron of emotion. It is anger at the injustice, bitterness about the loss, fear for the future, and regrets about the times you were less than perfect.

When Should I Seek Help for My Grief?

If you have persistent feelings of sadness and despair and are unable to experience happiness, you may be experiencing depression. If your feelings are getting in the way of your everyday life, then it’s important to seek help.

For some people, grief might not lessen even after time passes. The grief can significantly disrupt their life, affecting jobs, relationships, and how they interact in the community.

You may need to seek help if you:

- feel like grief makes it very difficult to do anything

- have difficulty socializing

- have difficulty sleeping

- change the way you eat (lose your appetite or overeat)

- experience intense and ongoing emotions such as anger, sadness, numbness, anxiety, depression, despair, emptiness, and/or guilt

- have thoughts of harming yourself

What is a Grief Counselor?

Grief counselors are specially trained to help people cope with grief. They are capable of working with all types of people and addressing all types of loss, big and small. Some grief counselor professionals do, however, choose to specialize in specific kinds of grief counseling (i.e., terminal medical diagnoses or trauma during military service).

What Does a Grief Counselor Do?

The primary responsibility of grief counselors is to assist others in coping with loss. Counseling is a relatively individualized process, but the ultimate goals of treatment generally remain the same. Grief counselor professionals utilize various techniques to help clients accept the loss, work through the associated pain, and adjust to life afterward. Every case is unique, but the process usually consists of educating patients about the normal progression of grief, encouraging the expression of feelings, helping to build new relationships, and discussing how to navigate life moving forward.

Grief counselors generally work with patients one-on-one, but they may also provide services to larger groups. Regardless of the setting, these professionals are prepared to work with all sorts of loss and can identify and treat the various symptoms of grief including suicidal thoughts, uncontrollable crying, lack of appetite, sleeping problems, irritability, panic attacks, and feelings of hopelessness.

Because grief counseling is often part of the continuum of care, a grief counselor must be able to work alongside other therapeutic and medical professionals. They can provide services in a wide variety of places including hospitals, mental health clinics, and funeral homes. Full-time employment is typical, with some jobs requiring evening, night, and weekend hours. Grief counselors may also choose to establish their own private practices.

What's the Difference Between Grief and Grieving?

Grief is the natural response to loss while grieving is the process of coming to terms with that loss. Grief is the collection of feelings like sorrow, anger, jealousy, nostalgia, or a host of other emotions that come with loss. There is no wrong way to feel grief. Grieving is the process of exploring those feelings and adjusting to life without the person or thing you’ve lost.

Grief can be triggered by many different things, including death, the end of a relationship, moving somewhere far away, leaving a job, a diagnosis, or some other big change.

And, just like there are so many things that can lead to grief, there are many ways to grieve-- and there is no right or wrong way to do it. Grieving can look like crying in the arms of a loved one, drawing a picture of the person we miss, making our person's favorite food, going for a long walk to think, or anything else we can think of that allows us to make space for our feelings surrounding our loss. 

Grief is not something we cure. After a loss, we might grieve for the rest of our lives as we continue to process our feelings. But, how our grief feels might change over time, and the ways that we grieve might change, too.

Why Grief is Important?

Grieving such losses is important because it allows us to ‘free up’ energy that is bound to the lost person, object, or experience—so that we might re-invest that energy elsewhere. Until we grieve effectively we are likely to find reinvesting difficult; a part of us remains tied to the past. Grieving is not forgetting. Nor is it drowning in tears. Healthy grieving results in an ability to remember the importance of our loss but with a newfound sense of peace, rather than searing pain.

How Do I Move On?

The term ‘moving on’ can be unhelpful, because as life moves forward you need to move with it. As each day goes by you are moving forward, but the phrase moving on can feel as though you need to get over the passing of a loved one. It’s important to remember that moving on does not mean forgetting but learning how to live without that person in your life. Moving on doesn’t mean that your grief will end, but that you will learn to live with it.

The Common Ways to Respond to Loss

The terms "grief," "mourning," and "bereavement" have slightly different meanings.

- Grief is your emotional response to the experience of loss.

- Mourning is the process of adjusting to life after a loss. It is influenced by your society, culture, and religion.

- Bereavement is the period of time when you experience grief.

How you respond to a loss can be very different from the way other people respond to loss. It can also change over time. You may have some or all of the feelings, thoughts, physical sensations, and behaviors below.

1. Emotions. Your emotions or feelings from grief may include shock, numbness, sadness, denial, despair, and/or anger. You might experience anxiety or depression. You can also feel guilty, relieved, or helpless. You may experience yearning or nostalgia, which is wishing for the time before the cancer diagnosis. When you are grieving, a reminder like a song or a comment that makes you think of your loss can make you cry. You might also cry without knowing what made you start to cry.

2. Thoughts. While you are grieving, you may experience disbelief, confusion, and difficulty concentrating. You might not be able to think of anything except the loss or the person who died. You may also see or hear things that other people do not (hallucinations).

3. Physical sensations. Grief can cause physical sensations or feelings. You might notice that your throat or chest feels tight or heavy. You can also feel sick to your stomach. Other physical feelings that you can experience while grieving include dizziness, headaches, numbness, muscle weakness or tension, pain, and extreme tiredness. You may be more likely to feel unwell or become ill.

4. Behaviors. When you are grieving, it is normal to act in ways that are different from how you typically act. You may have difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep. It can be difficult to enjoy your favorite food or activities. You may be irritable or have a short temper. Your energy level can vary while you are grieving. Sometimes you may feel like you have no energy, or you might feel restless and be much more active than usual. You may experience changes in how you experience your religion, faith, or spirituality. Grief and loss can make you question your beliefs or how you see the world. It may also deepen your faith or help you to understand the meaning of life in a new way.

Your grief is different from anyone else's. Even family members who are experiencing the same loss will have different reactions to it.

Grief often happens in waves or cycles, with intense feelings that last a few hours or days. Between those times, you may feel like things are more "normal." You might feel like you are recovering from your loss or getting better in those times you feel less grief. But then the intense feelings might come back.

Over time, you might notice these grief cycles lessen as you adjust to your loss. Instead of experiencing grief all the time, you might just experience it around certain dates, like holidays, birthdays, or other important events. Adjusting does not mean you care less about your loss. It simply means that the grief is not as new to you.

5 Stages of Grief

Grief counseling is often used when you cannot deal with grief and continue with your life in a meaningful way. One of the steps of counseling is acknowledging the five stages of grief:

1. Denial

Denial is often the first stage of grief. It helps your mind deal with the sudden loss of a loved one. Denial tends to create a state of shock or a feeling of numbness. You cannot accept the loss, so you deny reality. You may also deny your emotions. Denial is a helpful emotion. It makes it easier to only focus on the emotions that you can handle. It gives you time to process your feelings. However, as the denial starts to fade away, the emotions that you suppressed can come rushing back

2. Anger

Most people experience anger during the grieving process. You may even direct your anger at the departed. For example, you may feel betrayed that they left you. Others may direct their anger at God, doctors, or friends and family who could have intervened somehow. Anger often comes from a lack of connection. For example, you may feel lost after losing a loved one. Anger helps fill this void by giving you somewhere to direct your energy. While anger can lead to poor decision-making and other consequences, it is also a sign of the intensity of your loss.

3. Bargaining

Bargaining sometimes comes before a loss. For example, you may bargain with God to spare your loved one. After the loss, you may continue to bargain. For instance, people often try to form a truce with a higher power, claiming that they will devote their lives to a specific cause if they can reverse the loss. People also frequently use “what/if” scenarios during this stage of grief. You may start replaying the events or circumstances that led to the loss. It is common for grievers to question their actions and wonder if they could have done anything differently to prevent the loss.

4. Depression

Depression can occur at any point during the grieving process. However, depression is more common and often more severe after anger and bargaining. The previous stages keep people focused on the past. You may become so focused on your loss that you are not really in the present moment. When you stop and consider your current situation, you experience depression. Depression often comes from not having the departed in your life anymore. Their loss creates a void in your everyday life that may lead to a loss of enjoyment.

5. Acceptance

Acceptance is the final stage of grief. It occurs when an individual accepts their loss. Finally, they accept the reality of the situation, which allows them to decide on their path forward. Acceptance does not mean that the person is “over” their loss. It simply means that they accept the loss and understand the need to continue living. Individuals who gain acceptance may still experience depression, anger, or bargaining moments. However, they are at a stage where they can start exploring new connections and opportunities.

Different Experiences of Grief

Grief is something that everyone experiences differently. There are many factors that can influence a person’s experience of grief, including:

- the age of the person who is grieving (child, adolescent, or adult)

- the type of relationship with the deceased person (for example, spouse, parent, sibling, or friend)

- the nature of the relationship with the deceased person (for example, close, loving, remote, difficult, or troubled)

- the way the person died (for example, after a long illness, sudden death, or suicide)

- religious or spiritual beliefs

- cultural practices

- availability of support from family, friends, and community

- associated stresses (for example, financial difficulties, job loss, and relationship breakdown).

Symptoms of Grief

While loss affects people in different ways, many of us experience the following symptoms when we're grieving. Just remember that almost anything that you experience in the early stages of grief is normal—including feeling like you're going crazy, feeling like you're in a bad dream, or questioning your religious or spiritual beliefs.

 

1. Emotional Symptoms of Grief

Shock and disbelief. Right after a loss, it can be hard to accept what happened. You may feel numb, have trouble believing that the loss really happened, or even deny the truth. If a pet or someone you love has died, for example, you may keep expecting them to show up, even though you know they're gone.

Sadness. Profound sadness is probably the most universally experienced symptom of grief. You may have feelings of emptiness, despair, yearning, or deep loneliness. You may also cry a lot or feel emotionally unstable.

Guilt. You may regret or feel guilty about things you did or didn't say or do. You may also feel guilty about certain feelings (feeling relieved when a person died after a long, difficult illness, for example). You may even feel guilty for not doing more to prevent your loss, even if it was completely out of your hands.

Fear. A significant loss can trigger a host of worries and fears. If you’ve lost your partner, your job, or your home, for example, you may feel anxious, helpless, or insecure about the future. You may even have panic attacks. The death of a loved one can trigger fears about your own mortality, of facing life without that person, or the responsibilities you now face alone.

Anger. Even if the loss was nobody's fault, you may feel angry and resentful. If you lost a loved one, you may be angry with yourself, God, the doctors, or even the person who died for abandoning you. You may feel the need to blame someone for the injustice that was done to you.

Physical Symptoms of Grief

We often think of grief as a strictly emotional process, but grief often involves physical problems, including:

- Fatigue

- Nausea

- Lowered immunity

- Weight loss or weight gain

- Aches and pains

- Insomnia

Myths and Facts about Grief and Grieving

Myth: The pain will go away faster if you ignore it

Fact: Trying to ignore your pain or keep it from surfacing will only make it worse in the long run. For real healing, it is necessary to face your grief and actively deal with it.

Myth: It's important to “be strong” in the face of loss.

Fact: Feeling sad, frightened, or lonely is a normal reaction to loss. Crying doesn't mean you are weak. You don't need to “protect” your family or friends by putting on a brave front. Showing your true feelings can help them and you.

Myth: If you don't cry, it means you aren't sorry about the loss.

Fact: Crying is a normal response to sadness, but it's not the only one. Those who don't cry may feel the pain just as deeply as others. They may simply have other ways of showing it.

Myth: Grieving should last about a year.

Fact: There is no specific time frame for grieving. How long it takes differs from person to person.

Myth: Moving on with your life means forgetting about your loss.

Fact: Moving on means you've accepted your loss—but that's not the same as forgetting. You can move on with your life and keep the memory of someone or something you lost as an important part of you. In fact, as we move through life, these memories can become more and more integral to defining the people we are.

Types of Grief

There are multiple ways to experience grief. Different types of grief describe how varied and complex grief can be.

1. Anticipatory Grief

Anticipatory grief involves grieving before the actual loss. For example, you may begin grieving when you learn that you or a loved one has a terminal illness. Processing grief beforehand can prepare you to face the loss when the time comes. Still, it’s important not to allow grieving to distract you from enjoying the precious time you do have.

2. Abbreviated Grief

Sometimes, you’re able to move through the grieving process quickly. This is the case with abbreviated grief. Abbreviated grief may follow anticipatory grief. You can grieve a loss quickly because you’ve already done a lot of emotional labor while anticipating that loss. Grieving for a short time doesn’t mean you never truly cared about what you lost. When it comes to grief, we’re all on different timelines.

3. Delayed Grief

Instead of experiencing the emotions that accompany grief immediately after a loss, you feel their days, weeks, or even months later. In some instances, the shock of the loss pauses your body’s ability to work through these emotions. Or you may be so busy handling the practical matters that accompany loss (like funerals and wills) that your body can’t grieve until you’ve handled these responsibilities.

4. Inhibited Grief

Inhibited grief involves repressing emotions. Most of us haven’t been taught how to process — or even how to recognize — the confusing emotions that can arise when we’re grieving. As a result, many people who repress their emotions don’t realize they’re doing so. Unfortunately, when you don’t allow yourself to pause and feel these emotions, grief often shows up as physical symptoms like an upset stomach, insomnia, anxiety, or even panic attacks.

5. Cumulative Grief

With cumulative grief, you’re working through multiple losses at once. For example, you’re not only grieving the loss of a child. You’re grieving the ending of a marriage that followed that loss. Grieving multiple losses simultaneously makes the process difficult and complex in unexpected ways.

6. Collective Grief

Most of us think of grief as personal, but collectives (groups) grieve, too. Major events like wars, natural disasters, school shootings, and pandemics create far-reaching losses. They change what counts as “normal” life. As a group, we grieve the shared experiences we’ve lost as we struggle to imagine a changed future.

Different Grieving Styles

Everyone grieves in their own way and, provided you are not causing harm to yourself, or those around you, there are no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ ways to grieve.

Generally, there are two broad styles of grieving, but most people experience a combination of both. They are:

• the intuitive approach – people seek out social support and tend to focus on the emotional aspects of their loss and managing their feelings

• the instrumental approach – people tend to focus on the cognitive (thinking) aspects of their loss. They may grieve through activities and problem-solving. This style tends to be more solitary and private, focusing on managing the thoughts that arise.

Misunderstandings about the grieving process can make the bereaved person question their feelings and sanity. Understanding what grief can be like, finding ways to safely express strong emotions, and coming up with coping strategies can help you endure the pain that accompanies grief.

Treatment of Grief

Counseling, along with medication when needed, have been the most common methods of treating grief. Initially, your doctor may prescribe you medications to help you function more fully. These might include sedatives, antidepressants, or anti-anxiety medications to help you get through the day. In addition, your doctor might prescribe medication to help you sleep.

However, the use of medication in grief treatment is controversial. Some providers believe it can mask feelings that arise as one goes through the grief process, and potentially delay healing. But you and your physician can determine a treatment plan that's best for you.

Counseling is a more solid approach to grief. Support groups, bereavement groups, or individual counseling can help you work through unresolved grief. This is a beneficial treatment alternative when you find the grief event is creating obstacles in your everyday life and you are having trouble functioning.

This support in no way "cures" you of your loss, rather, it provides you with coping strategies to help you deal with your grief in an effective way. The Kübler-Ross Model is a tried and true guideline, but there is no right or wrong way to work through your grief. Personal experiences may vary as people move through the stages of grief.

If you or a loved one is having a hard time coping with a grief event, seek treatment from a health professional or mental health provider. Call a doctor right away if you experience thoughts of suicide, feelings of detachment for more than two weeks, experience a sudden change in behavior, or believe you are suffering from depression.

How to Help Someone Who is Grieving

It can be difficult to know what to say or do when someone has experienced loss. We do our best to offer comfort, but sometimes our best efforts can feel inadequate and unhelpful.

Here are a few tips to keep in mind if someone you love is going through the stages of grieving:

- Avoid rescuing or fixing. In an attempt to be helpful, we may offer uplifting, hopeful comments or even humor to try to ease their pain or "fix them." Although the intention is good, this approach can leave people feeling as if their pain is not seen, heard, or valid.

- Don't force it. We may want so badly to help and for the person to feel better, so we believe that nudging them to talk and process their emotions before they're truly ready will help them faster. This is not necessarily true and can actually be an obstacle to their healing.

- Make yourself accessible. Offer space for people to grieve. This lets the person know we're available when they're ready. We can invite them to talk with us but remember to provide understanding and validation if they are not ready just yet. Remind them that you're there and not hesitate to come to you.

7 Steps for Managing Grief and Loss

Initial grief frequently comes as acute emotional pain. While it may seem insurmountable when it first grasps hold of your life, there are ways to cope with grief. Supplying yourself with knowledge and grieving tactics is the best way to combat your loss. Here are some tips to help you during the grieving process.

1. Give yourself permission to feel.

Grieving is a normal part of dealing with loss. But you can’t grieve if you don’t allow yourself the opportunity. Be sure to recognize the need to grieve and let it run its natural course. Your emotional health will be better served if you face your grief.

2. Write a letter to the deceased loved one.

If you’ve recently lost a loved one, try expressing your feelings through a letter. Writing a message about your emotions can be cathartic and aid with coping.

3. Journal about positive memories.

This is similar to writing a letter and can apply to any sort of loss. Even if you’ve lost your house, a journal about positive memories and experiences will help you focus on the good times. In terms of a loved one’s death or divorce, journal about why you loved them and the joy you shared together.

4. Talk to someone.

Even though talking to someone about your feelings seems simple, it can be extremely challenging. People may feel safer shutting everyone else out during their time of grief. Resist that urge and find a confidant to share with.

5. Understand grief affects everybody.

Grief is not age-specific or limited to certain populations. Children, teens, and adults all grieve. Recognize this fact and expect signs of grief from all involved parties, no matter the age. And remember, everyone has their own unique form of grieving. There is no textbook way to grieve.

6. Lend a supportive ear to others.

Maybe someone else’s grief doesn’t affect you in the same way or much at all. It’s still important to support your loved ones during their grieving process. Be there to listen and comfort them. With kids, listening and being supportive are critical. Be sure to let them work through the process, and answer their questions directly as they arise. Neglecting to answer questions or answering questions in a roundabout way may lead a child to make up stories and even blame themselves for the death or loss.

7. Prepare for recurring grief.

Holidays, birthdays, and other events can spark grief — even years after a loss. Recognize these triggers and prepare to handle the grief as needed.

How to Take Care of Yourself While Grieving

When you're grieving, it's more important than ever to take care of yourself. The stress of a major loss can quickly deplete your energy and emotional reserves. Looking after your physical and emotional needs will help you get through this difficult time.

1. Face your feelings. You can try to suppress your grief, but you can't avoid it forever. In order to heal, you have to acknowledge the pain. Trying to avoid feelings of sadness and loss only prolongs the grieving process. Unresolved grief can also lead to complications such as depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and health problems.

2. Express your feelings in a tangible or creative way. Even if you’re not able to talk about your loss with others, it can help to write down your thoughts and feelings in a journal, for example. Or you could release your emotions by making a scrapbook or volunteering for a cause related to your loss.

3. Try to maintain your hobbies and interests. There's comfort in routine and getting back to the activities that bring you joy and connect you closer to others can help you come to terms with your loss and aid the grieving process.

4. Don't let anyone tell you how to feel, and don't tell yourself how to feel either. Your grief is your own, and no one else can tell you when it's time to “move on” or “get over it.” Let yourself feel whatever you feel without embarrassment or judgment. It's okay to be angry, to yell at the heavens, to cry, or not to cry. It's also okay to laugh, to find moments of joy, and to let go when you're ready.

5. Look after your physical health. The mind and body are connected. When you feel healthy physically, you'll be better able to cope emotionally. Combat stress and fatigue by getting enough sleep, eating right, and exercising. Don't use alcohol or drugs to numb the pain of grief or lift your mood artificially.

6. Plan ahead for grief “triggers.” Anniversaries, holidays, and important milestones can reawaken painful memories and feelings. Be prepared for an emotional wallop, and know that it’s completely normal. You can plan ahead by making sure that you’re not alone, for example, or by marking your loss in a creative way.

Sources:

Help Guide

No Medical Exam Quotes

McLean Hospital

Psycom

Very Well Mind

Mayo Clinic

New Vision

Health Direct

University HQ

Psychology Today

Grieveleave

Washington

Cancer

Cleveland Clinic

 

The content herein is provided for general informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Medical information changes constantly, and therefore the content on this website should not be assumed to be current, complete or exhaustive. Always seek the advice of your doctor before starting or changing treatment. If you think you may have a medical emergency, please call your doctor or 9-1-1 (in the United States) immediately.